A little bit of vulnerability mixed with a whole lot of grace

            A song that’s been on repeat in my house recently is the song “Wonder” by Bethel music. My favorite line comes toward the middle. “You fascinate me, you fascinate me, you fascinate me with Your love.”  I looked up the definition of fascinate this morning. It means to draw irresistibly the attention and interest of someone. I think that’s a perfect word to describe my heart right now. I’m fascinated by the unending love of a God who can look at me in the middle of my mess that I willingly dove into and call me out. I’m fascinated by the love of a God who can look past my mess. I’m fascinated by the never ending grace He extends to the ugliest parts of me.

            I’m going to be vulnerable here for minute. This is not easy for me. I’ve lived my life among circles of people who, at the first slip of your feet, will rush to pick up stones to throw. I’ve lived my life closed off, in fear of anyone seeing a less than perfect version of myself. But Jesus is calling me to admit and acknowledge my mess, and to let His grace cover it.

I’m currently reading a book by Beth Moore called Get Out of That Pit. In it, she talks about us pit-jumpers. The ones who see a pit, know it’s deep, know it’s wrong, and knows the consequences will be great, and yet we still taking a running leap into it. Well that’s what I did these last few months. The momentary thrill of the jump outweighed my concern for the consequences, and I fell hard. I hurt other people in the process. I wrecked my whole life in a very short period of time. I was wrong. I rationalized what I did, I made excuses in my head, I managed to keep my conscience quiet for a short time. And then (as they always do) the secrets came out  and I was left with the consequences.

          So here I sit, watching the snowfall, trying to figure out how to piece back together a heart that’s been broken into a million pieces. Yes, it was broken by my own choices, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’m at peace though. Jesus picked me up, looked at me, and said neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more. Grace is a beautiful thing. I’m thankful His mercies are new every morning. It still hurts. The consequences are still here. Unfortunately, most people are not as liberal with grace as Jesus is. And that’s ok. I’m learning to accept the fact that we humans are pretty messed up, and there are some people that will never look at me the same, or want to be my friend anymore. It hurts, but I’ve realized over the past 28 years that as Christians, a lot of times we readily accept grace but struggle to extend it to others. It’s a sad fact, but the friends that have stuck with me the past month have been primarily my “non-christian” friends. They have sat with me, cried with me, looked me in the eye and said yes Jamie you screwed up. Big time. Pick yourself up, move on, and don’t do it again.  I’ve learned that for most Christians, we are so quick to hand out grace to those outside our circle. We invite them in, love them, and offer grace and forgiveness readily. But when it’s inside our circle, we feel they should have known better. And I did know better. But does that make me any less deserving of grace?  

          If I walk away with nothing else, I pray I walk away never forgetting the ridiculous amount of grace Jesus has extended me, and always be willing to extend that same amount of grace to anyone, regardless of what they have done. I’m asking for the same from my friends, knowing I won’t receive it from some, and knowing that it will be ok regardless.

So this is me, laying it all out there, and asking for grace. I need it. I’m as messed up as they come. But Jesus is working, peeling back the layers, showing me the ugliest parts of me that need healing. Beth Moore said in the book I am reading “No one needs the Physician more than the person who likes the taste of the toxin that keeps poisoning her.”  I’m asking Jesus to heal the parts of me that draw me away, the parts of me that crave the thrill of jumping into a pit. I’m thankful He hasn’t given up on me. He fascinates me with His love for ME. 

Sharing my heart

So most of you know I got to spend a week in Haiti this past summer. I've talked to very few people about the extent of what Jesus did in my heart down there. It's taken me so long to process everything He spoke into my heart. It's still hard to put it into words, but i'm going to give it a shot.

I was 16 years old when I know God put a call on my life. I still remember every detail of that night and the exact words He spoke to my heart. I have held on to that call and prayed about it for eight years now. I was at 922 a night in March this year when Steve mentioned they still had a few spots open for the Haiti trip. I hadn't even considered it before then, but I felt God tug on my heart and I emailed Steve the next day to let him know I wanted to go. Everything fell into place within that week. My grandma offered to cover the entire cost of the trip, work switched my vacation time so I could get paid for the week off work, and my mom agreed to keep Grace. I started getting excited!

From the moment I decided to go to Haiti up until we actually left in July, I feel like things in my life fell apart. Not from the outside, but things in me that I never shared with anyone just caved in. I struggled with so much fear. I have never struggled with depression, but this spring I got hit with it so hard there were weeks where it took everything I had to get out of bed and go to work and try to function normally. I cried, prayed, and got angry with God. I felt like I had listened to Him, and took this step of faith to go to Haiti, and this is what I get hit with? But through all of that struggle God showed me so much of His heart for me, and His faithfulness. I know I was called to go, and everything came against me to try and stop me from receiving what God wanted to do in my life.

I could write a book about what happened once we finally got to Haiti! To sum it up, Jesus is AWESOME! My heart was completely broken down there. I have never seen anything like what I saw down there, never experienced anything like it. I had such high hopes going down there, and I was scared once I was there I would be disappointed, that Jesus wouldn't live up to my expectation. But He completely blew my expectations out of the water. He cemented the call he put on my life at 16 while I was down there. I don't want to live this life for me. I want to live it for Him, and use everything I have in me to show His love to those that don't know how awesome it is. The verse He kept reminding me of in Haiti was the one that says "whatever you have done for the least of these you have done for me." I can't even describe the impact those kids had on my life. There was one morning we were doing VBS, and this little girl comes in with some sort of piece of food to share with her sister. These kids have nothing. They live in tents and most of their families can't afford enough food, yet this little girl called me over to her and wanted to share the little she had with me. My heart was shattered in that moment.

I feel like I have written so much, and it doesn't even begin to do justice to Jesus and the awesome things He did in Haiti and since i've been back. This post will have to be enough for now, I'll write more another time :)

Change

A week from today I will be on a plane flying into Haiti. I'm so excited. This is something I have wanted to do for eight years now, and I have been waiting on God's timing and for Him to open the door, and He finally has. I feel like this is going to be a big turning point for me. I know God put a call on my life eight years ago and I have been waiting (sometimes patiently, sometimes not so patiently) for Him to show me what that will look like. I have high expectations of what Jesus is going to do in me down there. I want to come back forever changed.

"For those that wait upon the Lord shall rise up on wings like eagles. They shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and will not faint. " Isaiah 40:31

Freedom

"Total freedom means living completely fearlessly, passionately, and joyfully- regardless of your circumstances, not because of them."

This is my goal for my life. I want to walk in the freedom that comes from being totally dependent on Jesus, and trusting that He's got my back not matter what things around me look like. It's a slow process, but I feel like I am getting there. It's a struggle though. But i'm taking it one day at a time :)

Enough is Enough

I don't like confrontation. I try to avoid it at all costs. It makes me all nervous, my heart starts beating all fast, and I feel like i'm going to throw up. But sometimes it can't be helped. And i'm pretty sure this is one of those times. This person thinks she can just walk all over me, then ignore me when I try to talk to her about my issue with her. And I have been relatively nice about what she has been doing. But I really feel like I have reached my limit with her. It takes a lot to push me that far but she has successfully done it. I just hope i'll be able to stand my ground!

I realized tonight it's so bittersweet watching Grace grow up. She's only two and a half, but it feels like so much more time than that has gone by since I held her for the first time. I don't think you can truly understand the feeling of sadness until you become a parent watching your baby grow up. I suppose it's because I feel like the older she gets, the less she will need me, the less she will adore me, and the less she'll love me. She tells me i'm her best friend now. Will I still hear that at 10, 12, or 16? My world revolves around her, and for the moment, hers revolves around me. I know that will change as she gets older. I'm just not so sure I can handle that. I want to freeze these moments. I don't want her to ever slip away from me. I guess it's also bittersweet because parenting her at 2 isn't that hard. It's easy to protect her from things at this age. But how do I protect her from getting hurt by people when she is older? No one warned me that when you had a child, you would love them with everything you had and more. No one told me I would love her so much it hurts.

I don't know, maybe one day I will figure this whole parenting thing out? Until then, I suppose I'll just try to go with the flow and hope it all turns out ok.

"Oh If my voice could reach back through the past i'd whisper in your ear oh darling I wish you were here"

So I found some old old emails today- emails from 2004 from the boy I was madly in love with at the time. Kind of made me sad. I miss being that age and the way everything was so innocent and pure. Makes me wonder if i'll ever fall in love like that again. Everything was so simple at 16. Now i'm 23 and a mother with so much more stress than I ever wanted. How did things get so complicated?