Freedom

"Total freedom means living completely fearlessly, passionately, and joyfully- regardless of your circumstances, not because of them."

This is my goal for my life. I want to walk in the freedom that comes from being totally dependent on Jesus, and trusting that He's got my back not matter what things around me look like. It's a slow process, but I feel like I am getting there. It's a struggle though. But i'm taking it one day at a time :)

Enough is Enough

I don't like confrontation. I try to avoid it at all costs. It makes me all nervous, my heart starts beating all fast, and I feel like i'm going to throw up. But sometimes it can't be helped. And i'm pretty sure this is one of those times. This person thinks she can just walk all over me, then ignore me when I try to talk to her about my issue with her. And I have been relatively nice about what she has been doing. But I really feel like I have reached my limit with her. It takes a lot to push me that far but she has successfully done it. I just hope i'll be able to stand my ground!

I realized tonight it's so bittersweet watching Grace grow up. She's only two and a half, but it feels like so much more time than that has gone by since I held her for the first time. I don't think you can truly understand the feeling of sadness until you become a parent watching your baby grow up. I suppose it's because I feel like the older she gets, the less she will need me, the less she will adore me, and the less she'll love me. She tells me i'm her best friend now. Will I still hear that at 10, 12, or 16? My world revolves around her, and for the moment, hers revolves around me. I know that will change as she gets older. I'm just not so sure I can handle that. I want to freeze these moments. I don't want her to ever slip away from me. I guess it's also bittersweet because parenting her at 2 isn't that hard. It's easy to protect her from things at this age. But how do I protect her from getting hurt by people when she is older? No one warned me that when you had a child, you would love them with everything you had and more. No one told me I would love her so much it hurts.

I don't know, maybe one day I will figure this whole parenting thing out? Until then, I suppose I'll just try to go with the flow and hope it all turns out ok.

"Oh If my voice could reach back through the past i'd whisper in your ear oh darling I wish you were here"

So I found some old old emails today- emails from 2004 from the boy I was madly in love with at the time. Kind of made me sad. I miss being that age and the way everything was so innocent and pure. Makes me wonder if i'll ever fall in love like that again. Everything was so simple at 16. Now i'm 23 and a mother with so much more stress than I ever wanted. How did things get so complicated?

Day One

So i finally started a blog. Somewhere to get out all the crazy things that happen in my life on a daily basis. Being a single mom is not easy. Parenting itself is not easy much less doing it alone. Most days I feel like I'm going at this thing blindfolded. I have no idea how to be a mom and raise a child. Grace is like my test subject. We just go at it and we'll see how it turns out I guess. Ideally she'll come out of this a good solid grounded kid, and we'll come out of it with a solid friendship. I try my best. Guess we'll see what happens!!

We had our second emergency room trip today. Apparently Grace is pretty good at those childproof lids on medicines. Got into a bottle of my cough syrup. I came downstairs to find purple cough syrup all over the floor and a big mischievous grin on her face. So- not knowing how much she had actually drank called for a trip to the hospital. Three hours later she was fine and I was tired and hungry. So this is parenting. Is 23 too young for gray hairs? Because I swear I probably gained a few today. So much for my day off to clean the house. That went out the window. But i'm thankful that Grace is ok.

Well the little troublemaker just woke up from her nap- so it's time for apple juice and fruit snacks!